From stalkers, To Superstars: John Cena

From Stalker to Superstars: John Cena

Dear John Cena,

It has taken me about six months to pluck up the courage to write this letter to you. I think it’s safe to say that I am your BIGGEST fan. I have watched every match you have ever wrestled; I own every brightly coloured piece of merchandise. I even bought six copies of Thuganomics, That AMAZING rap album that I listen to every day whilst eating the biggest bowl of Fruity Pebbles I can find. 

I love everything about you John. I love the way you dress like you’re a douche bag from the 90s. I love your clothing so much that I started dressing like you at work. However, since I’m a doctor, my stupid boss didn’t appreciate my attire. He’s not like me and you. He just doesn’t get it. I love your extremely sophisticated verbal skills. Every time you make a poop joke I laugh out loud at your wit and pure intellectual intelligence. I don’t know anyone who can fit fifteen poop jokes into a three minute promo. An achievement that has to be marvelled by everyone. 

But most of all John, I love you. Being a social recluse, I don’t make many friends. The closest person to me is an old man named Leroy. But, that’s mainly because he’s in a coma so can’t run away. But I know we would be friends John. I know that spiritually we are friends and it is as a friend I need to tell you this John. Don’t do it. 

I can see the cogs in your head turning. The seeds have been sown in that magnificent cranium of yours. You want to become a bad guy, again. You’re getting more aggressive on the microphone and more violent in the ring. It might not be obvious to the everyday wannabe fan. But I can see it. You’re thinking of leaving the Cenation and becoming a heel. I beg you. I implore you. DON’T. 

I can look past your character discrepancies. I can look past your inconsistencies in your morals and see the good within. But I can’t look past you being nasty to us, the fans. It’s just not you. OK so you were actually more popular when you were a bad guy. OK maybe you had better matches and cut better promos. But, it’s just not you. You’re not the bad ass who does what he wants when he wants and listens to know one. That’s CM Punk and he’s pretty good at it. 

You’re the goofy, baby face, who makes an obscene number of jokes that you would hear in day nursery. You wear silly clothes and fight for what is right and just. You only need five moves to beat most opponents and you can be beaten with an inch of your life then get up and beat your opponent in seconds. 

It’s your own life to live john and I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to offer you up this. You may make more fans by turning heel. You may even be liked again. However, when you look in the mirror and the man looking back isn’t the man The Rock once called a Yabba Dabba Bitch, will you really be happy? I know I won’t. 

I hope you agree with me and appreciate my honesty. If you want to get in touch feel free to phone me. But I warn you we won’t be able to meet because if I come within 500 yards of someone ‘famous’ I will be sent away. On second thought, it’s probably best that you burn this letter after reading it. 

Thank you. 

Yours Faithfully. 

President of The Cenation, Jeremy, James, Jones.

I hope you enjoyed  the latest issue of From Stalkers, To Superstars.

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and until, next time, go to the movies.

Daniel Morris